Tomorrow is six months.
Six months since the absolutely worst day of my life. Granted it had moments of joy, but those were so grossly overshadowed by the tragedy of it all that it is hard to remember the utter joy of having Sarah placed in my arms just moments after her birth (something I never got with my other children). The joy of remembering those moments without the drug induced grog or the various other side effects of surgery...like pain, itching, ivs, immobility.
But though I do have a few joyful memories (as few and fleeting as they are), they are quickly replaced with the loss of not being able to nurse my daughter. Of not hearing her first cry. Of the dreaded realization that she wasn't breathing. Of remember how it felt to have her torn from my arms. Of visions of her being resuscitated and the knowing that I would never see her beautiful face again without those tubes until she was gone from us - and then so utterly changed from all the fluid and treatments.
I know people question our decision. I know people blame us for their loss and pain - something they believe they would not have had to suffer had we not been so adamant on trying a natural birth. Sure, they don't say anything directly to us...knowing we are hurting, but the fact remains it is there...every time they talk to us, every look they give, every question they pose. It's there. "Why didn't you listen to us?" "We told you this was a bad idea." "Why did you have to push it so far?"
I know they can't understand the trapped and fearful feelings I had, being forced into another c-section. I know they can't understand the selfish motivations I harbored in wanting to experience birth the way God intended it. I know they can't understand how I lost sight of the preciousness of life...taking for granted that I would just be granted the blessing of the life I carried for 9 months.
I know all of this with great shame, but there is nothing I can do to change it. I am utterly powerless to make right all the wrong I committed against those my actions hurt...utterly powerless! And I live in fear daily of their scorn, judgement and rejection. And in saying that, I am quite positive in the same way, that those I speak of are quite unaware of this.
My heart is healing from the loss of my daughter. Yes, my arms still ache for her at times. I miss nuzzling her, dressing her, and even changing her. I miss the intimate time of nursing and even the sleepless nights of a newborn life. Yes, I miss my daughter greatly, but life has gone on and I no longer take for granted the lives I have been blessed with (or at least I try not to).
But I have not healed from the fear of the judgement of others. I am quite sure I am not to let it bother me as it does, but I can't help it. I have had so much rejection in my life, it is the one thing I fear the most and seem to experience in the same. I have no doubt God is working. I see His hand around me often. This tragedy has brought me to a new place. And I have no doubt that in this new place He will change me for His good. But I am as of yet, unsure how to deal with the unspoken judgements of others...for I know they exist.
I guess it will be in time...time in which God will have to work in my heart and the hearts of others. I trust Him. I trust His will and I trust that He will protect me and finish the healing in my heart He has started.
Six Months. Where will I be in the next six? Only our true God knows!